A Roller Coaster Journey

From professional to employed mother to stay at home mother, I'm facing the challenge now of being the wife he left behind. It's a roller coaster ride and I don't know how it will end. But when you're going through hell, you keep going. Thank you for visiting my blog and may it help you on whatever your journey is.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

End of Summer

Had a quick trip with kiddos to see my family, who were wonderful and supportive, but no internet!

Now home and getting ready for school. Last few days have been a whirlwind of trying on uniforms, counting out composition books, a crazy trip to Target to get all the last odds and ends, and all the details that need to be dealt with to send three kids back to school.

Somewhere in there I also had my grad school orientation. Tiny tiny program, I hung out with the professors and staff for half of lunch now that I'm old and more self confident, and then went to get a parking pass and ID with one of my future classmates. Books ordered, email account set up, logged into blackboard, behind on homework already!, and wondering what the bleep I'm doing.

The visit to campus made me feel both young and insecure, and old and jaded. I've done this before, many times, done it well. It's been twenty years though and my b.s. tolerance is not what it was when I was a young adult. And so much is online now. We apparently will listen to pre-recorded lectures for one class, and then have discussion during class. Hmm. And I'm paying how much a year for this? We'll see how it works.

Old dog. New tricks. Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines; it's going to be a bumpy ride from here to Christmas.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Deferred Home Maintenance

Deferred maintenance. It was always, until we have the money. Until we have a chance to discuss it. Until we have a chance to prioritize. Don't make any decisions on your own.

Now I'm dealing on my own with ten years of built up problems. It's easier not having to discuss in depth with another adult. It's harder to manage on my own, though, calling contractors, making appointments, comparing estimates, with everything else on my plate.

I'm living in a broken home.

Also not impressed with the whole contractor business. Lots of recommendations from friends in the area, but so many of these guys are not showing up for appointments, or showing up late, or not returning phone calls. Guess they don't want my business, but it's still irritating.

Deep breath. Fix leaky roof. Get toppling trees trimmed. Then on to less urgent things.

One day at a time.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Love Letters

Sorting through old photos and cards last night and today. I have a whole stack of pictures of big happy family, and no sign in his face that he was ready to bolt. The love letters are more interesting: gushing or thoughtful early on and through the first few years of marriage, then minimal or absent after baby #1 arrived, usually a storebought card with a few words scribbled.

I think he couldn't handle being a dad.

He's Disneyland Dad now but it spares him the burden of having conversations with them when they're mesmerized by electrons.

I pulled out a bunch of photos for him. Too many baby pictures of everyone anyway; I kept the best (hey, I'm the family photographer and I'm doing the scut work here) and gave him the ones with him and the duplicates.

I'm considering what to do with the love letters. Every other breakup I've given them back.

I could
1) Shred them and recycle
2) Give them back now
3) Give them back when papers are served or the divorce is final
4) Burn them (maybe a New Year's Eve bonfire?)

He told me he loved me. In writing. Repeatedly. And that he'd love me forever. That he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

Doing better, and moving on.