Privileged

A comment in a previous post got me thinking about giving and receiving. I've always tried to be on the giving, not the receiving end. Hard to know when to tough it out and when to ask for help. I am always grateful that the cushions and safety nets are there for me; it does help me to sleep at night. Still trying to be a giver, though. Hmm. Still worth some thought.

Right now I am in a 2 am state of bliss and privilege. Spent the evening playing music with friends, and being paid for it. One of the dancers commented that I sounded very confident. I played tonight like I had absolutely nothing to lose. Picked tunes that suited me. Didn't worry about whether all the notes would come out right. Didn't worry about the formerly resident critic that would compare me, pick apart, damn with faint praise. Or my inner critic -- do I sound as good as X? Am I worthy? I just played. Watched the dancers, and let the notes come out.

Now I'm unwinding with a glass of flat Prosecco (a birthday gift that took me five months to open and three weeks to drink) laced with bitter Aperol, and delaying falling asleep in my lonely bed.  I was part of something really lovely tonight, and it felt good. People danced to my music. I made beautiful harmonies with friends.

Moments like this are to live for, and to sustain us through the dark times.

Get busy living, or get busy dying. I feel like I lived tonight. I was free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaVIwwNhocg

Grad School AAAAAHHHHHH!

First full week of classes is now under my belt. Starting to figure out where things are, who people are, getting in the groove. Also beginning to wonder what I've gotten myself into.

It's probably the most diverse group of people I've ever spent time with; mixed race, mixed background and experience from the fresh out of college student from Ghana to the pulmonologist who's getting another degree. Very rich environment. I'm having actual conversations with an active reserve military guy who is bright and reasonable, and breaking through a lot of my anti-military prejudices. Much less feeling of competitition than my previous grad school experience as we all want to "save the world" and all in very different fields. So this is all wonderful, empowering, cool, amazing stuff.

The kids survived my first day of long classes, got themselves home, most of homework done, and all ok.

My hours have been way cut back at work, and I'm missing the money there but enjoying the time. The orchestra conductor may try to send some strings students my way, which would be great-working from home, more flexible hours.

Bad news: the schedule that didn't look so bad on paper -- one class Tues, one Wed, three Thurs -- is going to be a bigger mouthful than I thought. Lots of homework, lots of very very dense reading.

Uh-oh.

But I can do this, I will do this, I want to do it. One step at a time. Women's health. Health disparities. Major issues that need addressing. I'm smart. I will beat my head against a wall in this field, but I can advocate for change, those things that NEED to be changed. Maybe someday someone will get the mammogram they need, will use the contraception or tell her boyfriend "no," or breastfeed a baby who then won't get allergies, or will leave the abusive partner and have a social safety net, because of some work that I did.

My life sucks a bit. But I'm SO lucky. Clean water, a palace to live in, enough to eat, able to make a living with my brain instead of my body, and having control over that body and brain.

Movie night at school last night was "The Princess Bride." Wesley says, "Life is pain. Anyone who says different is selling something." Well, maybe I can reduce someone's pain. Make life a little more fair for someone. Just have to balance that with my family.

Time for house cleaning.