Winter Break

I survived finals. December has been a very long month, and my last final wasn't finished until about 7 PM on the 20th.

We successfully got and decorated a tree (a bit crooked) and I had at least two gifts for each child, plus a couple of stocking stuffers. They were slightly disappointed to not have piles of loot, but hid it reasonably well. Each child got one gift they really wanted (Minecraft foam sword, anyone?). Anyway, it was a nice, peaceful day.

I'm enjoying not having to study, cram everything in, rush rush rush, and most of all having the chance to take it easy in the morning rather than get everyone off to school.

Financial agreement one step closer to being done. Not fair to me, but not sure I want to pay a lawyer to make it fair and create ill will. Mr. Gone still doesn't understand why I went back to school instead of just returning to work (woo hoo, 60 hour work week, tiny benefits, every weekend, yeah, right) but not his business. He's doing the song and dance about his company folding, too. As long as he keeps paying me something.

Breathing deep, trying to stay focused on me and the kids. Chasing after #2 to get homework done; major projects that he's lost the directions for and is stalling on. SO tired of having to be bad cop.

Sometimes single parenting just sucks. Wish I could spend the weekends seeing movies with the kids, playing video games, sitting on my behind. But I have to be the grownup here.

Privileged

A comment in a previous post got me thinking about giving and receiving. I've always tried to be on the giving, not the receiving end. Hard to know when to tough it out and when to ask for help. I am always grateful that the cushions and safety nets are there for me; it does help me to sleep at night. Still trying to be a giver, though. Hmm. Still worth some thought.

Right now I am in a 2 am state of bliss and privilege. Spent the evening playing music with friends, and being paid for it. One of the dancers commented that I sounded very confident. I played tonight like I had absolutely nothing to lose. Picked tunes that suited me. Didn't worry about whether all the notes would come out right. Didn't worry about the formerly resident critic that would compare me, pick apart, damn with faint praise. Or my inner critic -- do I sound as good as X? Am I worthy? I just played. Watched the dancers, and let the notes come out.

Now I'm unwinding with a glass of flat Prosecco (a birthday gift that took me five months to open and three weeks to drink) laced with bitter Aperol, and delaying falling asleep in my lonely bed.  I was part of something really lovely tonight, and it felt good. People danced to my music. I made beautiful harmonies with friends.

Moments like this are to live for, and to sustain us through the dark times.

Get busy living, or get busy dying. I feel like I lived tonight. I was free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaVIwwNhocg

Getting By in Grad School

GO ME!

I had to write a paper for one of my classes; 25 % of my grade.

The paper was sociologically oriented. Behavioral models. What this "hard science" geek thinks of as psychobabble to explain why people do what they do. Necessary, but irritating. Not my strong suit; I'm used to following recipes. Mix agar A; add bacteria B and antibiotic C. Either it will grow or not. There are biochemical reasons why.

This is a little softer, squishier, and unsatisfying because it's trying to use hard science labels for something not hard. I loved English Lit; it was all squishy. Music is  "hard," but when you add squish, it becomes good. But categorizing something squishy in hard science terms, no, not for me. This blend is just really uncomfortable.

SO, I got a 95 on the paper! The "hard" professor in this team-taught course graded it.

The house is a mess, keeping all the balls in the air is really challenging, but I'm doing it, one paper, one exam at a time.

The Good Year in Review

So what have I done this past year, that's good?

I have found out that I have a lot of true friends. I have people that will ask, "What can I do?" And then they will step up and do that thing. I LOVE my community. I also feel a small twinge of schadenfreude at the things other people are saying about Mr. Gone. I am trying to move beyond that to a better place, but still, it makes me feel loved, supported, and that I don't have some insane personal perspective, that what he did was WRONG.

I have started on my new career path. Balancing work/school/parenting is tricky, but I did the whole thing: GRE, essays, applications, financial aid. And I did it all myself. Not much help from anyone. I got into one of the most exclusive schools in the country! That's saying something. Of course, I'm going to the state school instead because exclusive = expensive.

I have cut my hair really short, let the coloring grow out, gotten new hip glasses. My hair is salt and pepper grey now, actually kind of cool looking. Ten years ago it was mousy brown. Now it's very dark with grey streaks. I look older, but I've always looked very young and am finally looking like a grownup.

I'm enjoying eating what I want to eat without catering to the whims of someone who was, looking back, really kind of picky. We can have mac n' cheese for dinner! The bizarre list of things he wouldn't eat included cheddar cheese, fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, salad, anything "vegetarian" or "healthy", egg things like quiche or souffle, melon of any sort . . . yeah, he was meat and potatoes all the way. Cooking has been simplified so much.

I'm watching my kids step up and grow up. Sometimes I've lost it with them, I'm short on patience. But they are really trying to do what they can to help, when I'm not here to start dinner, when things need to be cleaned up, laundry put away . . . and I'm also finding more fun times with them. Used to be I was the homework and chores parent and Mr. Gone was the fun parent. He now gets to be mostly disneyland dad due to the visitation schedule, but I'm trying to make sure that I get to do fun things with them too.

And I'm finding strength, ability, and resources to fix up things around here that need fixing up, and prioritize and get household repairs done without having to wait, go through a long conversation with another adult with different opinions about what's a priority (ya know, water in its many forms is always a priority!) and adjust expectations. I fixed two cracked windows (lots more to go), and am reglazing the whole darn house! I'm learning drywall! I can flux a pipe! I feel like Rosie the Riveter, only my guy is not coming home from the war.

Things are better than I thought they would be. I still wish for a time machine to go one, two, three years back and fix the cracks in the marriage. But honestly, they were not cracks I could have fixed; they were mostly defects in Mr. Gone's character and personality. I'm still not OK. But I'm going to be.

Grad School AAAAAHHHHHH!

First full week of classes is now under my belt. Starting to figure out where things are, who people are, getting in the groove. Also beginning to wonder what I've gotten myself into.

It's probably the most diverse group of people I've ever spent time with; mixed race, mixed background and experience from the fresh out of college student from Ghana to the pulmonologist who's getting another degree. Very rich environment. I'm having actual conversations with an active reserve military guy who is bright and reasonable, and breaking through a lot of my anti-military prejudices. Much less feeling of competitition than my previous grad school experience as we all want to "save the world" and all in very different fields. So this is all wonderful, empowering, cool, amazing stuff.

The kids survived my first day of long classes, got themselves home, most of homework done, and all ok.

My hours have been way cut back at work, and I'm missing the money there but enjoying the time. The orchestra conductor may try to send some strings students my way, which would be great-working from home, more flexible hours.

Bad news: the schedule that didn't look so bad on paper -- one class Tues, one Wed, three Thurs -- is going to be a bigger mouthful than I thought. Lots of homework, lots of very very dense reading.

Uh-oh.

But I can do this, I will do this, I want to do it. One step at a time. Women's health. Health disparities. Major issues that need addressing. I'm smart. I will beat my head against a wall in this field, but I can advocate for change, those things that NEED to be changed. Maybe someday someone will get the mammogram they need, will use the contraception or tell her boyfriend "no," or breastfeed a baby who then won't get allergies, or will leave the abusive partner and have a social safety net, because of some work that I did.

My life sucks a bit. But I'm SO lucky. Clean water, a palace to live in, enough to eat, able to make a living with my brain instead of my body, and having control over that body and brain.

Movie night at school last night was "The Princess Bride." Wesley says, "Life is pain. Anyone who says different is selling something." Well, maybe I can reduce someone's pain. Make life a little more fair for someone. Just have to balance that with my family.

Time for house cleaning.

Deferred Home Maintenance

Deferred maintenance. It was always, until we have the money. Until we have a chance to discuss it. Until we have a chance to prioritize. Don't make any decisions on your own.

Now I'm dealing on my own with ten years of built up problems. It's easier not having to discuss in depth with another adult. It's harder to manage on my own, though, calling contractors, making appointments, comparing estimates, with everything else on my plate.

I'm living in a broken home.

Also not impressed with the whole contractor business. Lots of recommendations from friends in the area, but so many of these guys are not showing up for appointments, or showing up late, or not returning phone calls. Guess they don't want my business, but it's still irritating.

Deep breath. Fix leaky roof. Get toppling trees trimmed. Then on to less urgent things.

One day at a time.

Love Letters

Sorting through old photos and cards last night and today. I have a whole stack of pictures of big happy family, and no sign in his face that he was ready to bolt. The love letters are more interesting: gushing or thoughtful early on and through the first few years of marriage, then minimal or absent after baby #1 arrived, usually a storebought card with a few words scribbled.

I think he couldn't handle being a dad.

He's Disneyland Dad now but it spares him the burden of having conversations with them when they're mesmerized by electrons.

I pulled out a bunch of photos for him. Too many baby pictures of everyone anyway; I kept the best (hey, I'm the family photographer and I'm doing the scut work here) and gave him the ones with him and the duplicates.

I'm considering what to do with the love letters. Every other breakup I've given them back.

I could
1) Shred them and recycle
2) Give them back now
3) Give them back when papers are served or the divorce is final
4) Burn them (maybe a New Year's Eve bonfire?)

He told me he loved me. In writing. Repeatedly. And that he'd love me forever. That he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

Doing better, and moving on.

Harry Potter vs Twilight Meme

Some fun.

I have always loved Hermione. The girl who finds all her answers in books, has bad hair and stuck-out teeth (but probably does grow up as pretty as Emma Watson) is my soul sister and a kindred spirit. I'd probably opt for Ravenclaw myself but honor her Gryffindor courage.

Just another reason to love Harry Potter's heroine.

Jumping through Financial Aid Hoops

Just finished my online financial aid counseling. I remember my first counseling session, when we all came to this large room somewhere on the University campus and got a long, boring lecture. This time round at least I was in my home with a kitty to pet and a glass of wine to sip.

Found the sections on budgeting/living expenses hilarious! Yes, maybe if I was 20 I'd need to cut down on my cell phone expenses and eating out. At this point in my life though there's not a lot I don't know about living on a shoestring.

I am having brief second thoughts about going back to career #1. It would probably cost me about 6 months tuition to get enough Continuing Ed hours to get recertified. Then I'd have to find a job in the not-really-growth field. This job would have mediocre benefits and mean I'd be working most weekends.

New field means: university job with tuition benefits or fed/state/city job with other benefits. 9-5 Monday-Friday workweek. Growth field. Something I'm interested in and passionate about as opposed to burned out on. Is it worth 40K to do this? Yes, the benefits alone are worth 40K.

Deep breath. Borrowing a big chunk of money always makes me nervous.

Now, the question is, can I repay it before Thing 1 heads off to college? Probably not. He'll need to go to a need blind school, get a scholarship, but he has options. Maybe MIL will come through. I wouldn't count on that.

But given the alternatives, this seems like the best path.

Resources for Midlife Crisis Spouses

I'm now just shy of ten months past bomb drop, and here's a quick summary of what's been helpful to me in this journey I didn't plan.

Best Forum:

http://midlifeclub.com/
very active discussion and support. The stories are all eerily the same.

Another good website:

http://www.runawayhusbands.com/index.html
Discussion board not so active, but more of these scary similar sudden “it’s not you, it’s me” “I love you but I’m not in love with  you” and goodbye, or just total vanishing overnight stories.

Best Breaking Up Book:

Daphne Rose Kingma, Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours 

Short, sweet and helpful in recognizing and directing your reactions and feelings

Best Scholarly “Why” Books:

Susan Anderson, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
Diane Vaughn, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships
Seriously, there is no WHY. It doesn’t make sense. But this analyzes the nonsense.

Background Reading on Men’s Brains and Hormones:
Jed Diamond, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from Irritable Male Syndrome

You can’t help a man who refuses to help himself, but you can avoid getting sucked in.

Putting Yourself Back Together

Brene Brown, I Thought it was Just Me and The Gifts of Imperfection
Lisa Bloom, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World

Least Helpful Book
Peter McWilliams, How to Survive the Loss of a Love
Just didn't work for me. The Hallmark-like poetry was a little irritating and the book just made me cry, and not in a cleansing way.

Having Fun as a Single Parent

Took the older two to an outdoor concert with fireworks last night, since I didn't have them for 4th of July and they haven't seen fireworks this summer at all. In some ways it's easier to not have to negotiate around someone else's schedule. I don't have to find a weekend that he's here, or a weekend that he's not working, or worry if I buy tickets and make plans that he'll suddenly be called away. And when I'd organize a family outing, I would always feel like I was being judged. I hadn't organized enough, or the concert/movie/restaurant wasn't that good, and somehow it was my fault for picking it out. Single parenting makes it a little easier. Only one schedule to deal with -- my own. And when the kids whine about an outing, I can tell them to suck it up. At this point money is tight enough that there are fewer outings and they're more grateful.

The man who left me really checked out mentally on family life a long time ago. He showed up occasionally as the cardboard cutout of Dad to stick in the back of the pictures. 

My oldest son was thrilled with the concert (movie music, including Harry Potter and Star Wars). He said it was like 4th of July only with music he LIKED. Middle son had a major bloody wipeout running around in the dark and slipping, and didn't have a meltdown. I introduced them to BLTs, which were an instant hit. They didn't whine when I told them no ice cream.  And they both said thanks for taking us to the concert, hugged me and told me I was a great mom. Not bad for edgy tweens.

I have great kids.

Fresh Start Fridge

Still in the process of recovering from the derecho. An unexpected disaster of a storm, a week without power, several hundred dollars worth of freezer and fridge contents tossed, and a mini symbolic chronicle of last fall.
I couldn't save the spoiled food. I made the best of it with an all-the-kids-could-eat cookout with multiple hot dogs, and all the other yummy food that I usually dole out in small quantities.  Most of it I had to let go, though. I miss the supplies that I had and it will take months to rebuild and refill. But things are clean, deodorized, organized. And I've learned, no, we will not eat the edamame in pods at home even though we get them as takeout. The last of his bbq sauce went down the drain. And I bought a different brand of catsup from his favorite.
Symbol of yet another way to make a fresh start.

Money troubles

Started to discuss money with the mediator today.

On his budget he revealed that he has 18K in credit card debt. When he moved out six weeks ago he had no debt, and 10K from our joint bank account to "buy what he needed."

Guess he needed a lot.

And he's not worried; the "cash flow problems are temporary" because I'm expected to get a job soon.

Disneyland dad is going to have to stop going to first run movies and eating out so much.

Cleaning House

Spent some time in the Scary Basement today. There are still boxes of his stuff, water-damaged and rodent-nibbled. I've started moving them all to a corner and piling them up, and will eventually give him an ultimatum to move it or lose it. Very sad that he has all these "precious things" that he threw down there when we bought the house and hasn't looked at in over a dozen years. I'm enjoying opening up the space down there, getting rid of the dust and a few mummified rodent corpses. Gross and disgusting but I'm getting rid of all that bad karma. Plus all the mildewy boxes for every electronic we've ever bought. Seriously, the Wii is now over two years old, out of warranty and we are not going to need that box again. And if we do, too bad. I'd rather have the open space; it's really therapeutic.

Another Blessings Day

A little empty today without kids, but kid-free has allowed me to
1) Go aggressive yard saling including a giant secondhand sale at our local hospital. Found b-day gifts for S2, swim trunks for S1 and S2, girly pink and green coffee mugs for me, gorgeous blue glass vase and a huge bag of clothes that will jazz up my summer wardrobe.
2) Sit in quiet.
3) Catch up on me time
4) Garden without having to nag or entertain s1, 2 or 3.

I've run into two friends in the past few days who have told me I look great, and didn't know about being dumped. Having a little time to take care of myself is showing, I guess. Still tears at times but I'm moving on with my life.

Saw a lawyer yesterday, but that's another post.

Stability

Slowly getting used to this new normal. Part time working, aggressive home maintenance/improvement and decluttering in prep for roommate or sale, and having to be vigilantly organized. Definitely on a short fuse and not getting enough sleep. I know I have to take care of myself but there are just not enough hours in the day for sleep, housecleaning, chasing after kids, and all that needs to be done. I'm letting go of a lot; the bathroom does not have to be spotless and the meals do not have to be gourmet. I will not just survive, I will thrive and make things good for myself and my kids.

Being Grateful

Had a bad night with anger insomnia. Why me? How could he do this to all of us? Going to try to stay positive and focused on the future for today. I have

1) three really fabulous kids
2) a nice place to live that I can find ways to afford
3) a huge network of friends and supporters who find H's behavior reprehensible
4) memories of many years of happy marriage
5) food in the pantry
6) multiple skills - writing, gardening, cooking, critical analysis, music . . .
7) enough talent to get me into one of the most competitive grad schools in the US, and sense enough to know that I can't mortgage my future to pay for it, and confirmed admission to my fallback cheap school
8) comfortable clothes, sewing skills and five boxes of fabric
9) reasonably good health
10) A spiritual practice that will help me to let my anger go and eventually replace it with detached compassion

OK, ten blessings. For today, exercise, financial aid stuff, call fix-it guy about needed home repairs, more job apps, counseling appointment.

Brave face, cold heart

Started job applications this week. Hoping to get a job at the big U which would give a nice tuition waiver to everyone in the family. Unfortunately I currently have zero current qualifications for doing much more than babysitting or nannying -- and even then would need to update my CPR certificate.

And purging old papers which makes me feel a little cleaner and more in control.

Bills are all paid, house is mostly clean. I'm taking care of what I can take care of.

Reading self help books and crying, and trying not to cry in front of the kids.

Oh my.