A Roller Coaster Journey

From professional to employed mother to stay at home mother, I'm facing the challenge now of being the wife he left behind. It's a roller coaster ride and I don't know how it will end. But when you're going through hell, you keep going. Thank you for visiting my blog and may it help you on whatever your journey is.

Friday, November 30, 2012


A comment in a previous post got me thinking about giving and receiving. I've always tried to be on the giving, not the receiving end. Hard to know when to tough it out and when to ask for help. I am always grateful that the cushions and safety nets are there for me; it does help me to sleep at night. Still trying to be a giver, though. Hmm. Still worth some thought.

Right now I am in a 2 am state of bliss and privilege. Spent the evening playing music with friends, and being paid for it. One of the dancers commented that I sounded very confident. I played tonight like I had absolutely nothing to lose. Picked tunes that suited me. Didn't worry about whether all the notes would come out right. Didn't worry about the formerly resident critic that would compare me, pick apart, damn with faint praise. Or my inner critic -- do I sound as good as X? Am I worthy? I just played. Watched the dancers, and let the notes come out.

Now I'm unwinding with a glass of flat Prosecco (a birthday gift that took me five months to open and three weeks to drink) laced with bitter Aperol, and delaying falling asleep in my lonely bed.  I was part of something really lovely tonight, and it felt good. People danced to my music. I made beautiful harmonies with friends.

Moments like this are to live for, and to sustain us through the dark times.

Get busy living, or get busy dying. I feel like I lived tonight. I was free.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Pity Party

Feeling wiped.

Not enough money, not enough time.
Too much to do, too many demands.

What can I let go?
Parenting, nope
School, could ease back on my schedule next semester but need the degree ASAP
Work? Writing online now as my other work hours were cut wayyyyy back. But we need money for food, clothing, shelter. And winter is coming and we have oil heat.

Have the urge to sleep for months.
To walk away from it all.
I know it's temporary and we'll get through but on a rainy day like this a cup of tea, novel and a nap have a lot more appeal than anything else I can think of.

I plan to take a day off for Thanksgiving and just veg with the kids. Eat breakfast in our jammies. Do some messy craft projects. Play board games. Watch a family movie. Mr. Gone decided he really DIDN'T want the kids for Thanksgiving. I suspect there's a girlfriend he has plans with. But, ya know, if you're still legally married, it's adultery. If you mentally checked out years ago, maybe it's not mental adultery. That's irking me too.

Move on.
Move on.
Move on.

Take care of myself. Take care of my kids. Snuggle with my pets.

Oh, and do the work that must be done so other people can snuggle with their kids and pets.