A comment in a previous post got me thinking about giving and receiving. I've always tried to be on the giving, not the receiving end. Hard to know when to tough it out and when to ask for help. I am always grateful that the cushions and safety nets are there for me; it does help me to sleep at night. Still trying to be a giver, though. Hmm. Still worth some thought.
Right now I am in a 2 am state of bliss and privilege. Spent the evening playing music with friends, and being paid for it. One of the dancers commented that I sounded very confident. I played tonight like I had absolutely nothing to lose. Picked tunes that suited me. Didn't worry about whether all the notes would come out right. Didn't worry about the formerly resident critic that would compare me, pick apart, damn with faint praise. Or my inner critic -- do I sound as good as X? Am I worthy? I just played. Watched the dancers, and let the notes come out.
Now I'm unwinding with a glass of flat Prosecco (a birthday gift that took me five months to open and three weeks to drink) laced with bitter Aperol, and delaying falling asleep in my lonely bed. I was part of something really lovely tonight, and it felt good. People danced to my music. I made beautiful harmonies with friends.
Moments like this are to live for, and to sustain us through the dark times.
Get busy living, or get busy dying. I feel like I lived tonight. I was free.