A Roller Coaster Journey

From professional to employed mother to stay at home mother, I'm facing the challenge now of being the wife he left behind. It's a roller coaster ride and I don't know how it will end. But when you're going through hell, you keep going. Thank you for visiting my blog and may it help you on whatever your journey is.

Sunday, April 29, 2012


Slowly getting used to this new normal. Part time working, aggressive home maintenance/improvement and decluttering in prep for roommate or sale, and having to be vigilantly organized. Definitely on a short fuse and not getting enough sleep. I know I have to take care of myself but there are just not enough hours in the day for sleep, housecleaning, chasing after kids, and all that needs to be done. I'm letting go of a lot; the bathroom does not have to be spotless and the meals do not have to be gourmet. I will not just survive, I will thrive and make things good for myself and my kids.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Living well?

H looks like crap. He spent the afternoon at #2's concert playing with his phone. I could see from where I was sitting. Didn't watch the concert, as far as I could tell; didn't wait around to congratulate, but called later to tell him good job. Yeah, that makes him father of the year. How much he misses by being so absorbed in his electronics. Love the dark circles under the eyes. And he tells me how hard it is, and that I should feel bad for him. Well, he created the situation.
Balanced the checkbook; not getting as much money as promised, which is the bare minimum we need to live on.
H and #1 picked out summer camp. $900 a week.
Not sure who is going to be paying for that one. I suppose he could go if we just give up eating for the summer.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Being Grateful

Had a bad night with anger insomnia. Why me? How could he do this to all of us? Going to try to stay positive and focused on the future for today. I have

1) three really fabulous kids
2) a nice place to live that I can find ways to afford
3) a huge network of friends and supporters who find H's behavior reprehensible
4) memories of many years of happy marriage
5) food in the pantry
6) multiple skills - writing, gardening, cooking, critical analysis, music . . .
7) enough talent to get me into one of the most competitive grad schools in the US, and sense enough to know that I can't mortgage my future to pay for it, and confirmed admission to my fallback cheap school
8) comfortable clothes, sewing skills and five boxes of fabric
9) reasonably good health
10) A spiritual practice that will help me to let my anger go and eventually replace it with detached compassion

OK, ten blessings. For today, exercise, financial aid stuff, call fix-it guy about needed home repairs, more job apps, counseling appointment.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Money, Trust, and Love

If I really loved and trusted him, I would have let him make all the financial decisions. That was an end-of-days accusation. Because he knew so much more about it than I did, and I had no right to question him.
This man put his student loans on credit cards. He consistently paid bills late, once so late that we lost utilities. He said he didn't have time to get to it. I ended up being the one responsible for making sure that bills were actually paid.
Yes, he understands options, trading, and the more esoteric higher yield stuff. But you need to put in time and effort to make that work. Looking for a balance of APR and effort, I tend to pick the highest APR with minimal continued effort required on my part. And I try to save money around the house by not eating out a lot, keeping the thermostat low, not doing recreational impulse buys . . . all wrong, wrong, wrong. I talked about renting out a room in our house for extra income, NO! We were supposed to have been bold with our money and invest aggressively. And I should just TRUST HIM.
He's so worried about retiring broke. What does he think dividing households is going to do to him financially?

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Not me, is it?

The excuse I got two therapy sessions ago for "why" is that I have been depressed and negative throughout our marriage.
I have a family history of depression. I have the blues. I get grouchy and critical. I am very self-critical because I tend to hold myself to high standards. I have times when my self esteem sinks. Being a stay at home mom is not good for self esteem, and is a great job to beat yourself up over. But am I depressed, clinically depressed, to the point of needing medication? I don't think so.
A friend said it was unlikely I was depressed as I was one of the most productive people she knew, and productive people are not depressed.
There are a lot of things that make me happy. Small things, mostly. Disney World a couple of years ago was fun, but expensive, loud, and I felt like I should be having the best time of my life. I probably would have preferred a smaller trip, buying a weeping cherry for the back yard, and keeping some money in the bank.
I can be negative about things. He wanted to buy some rental property. I was negative about it because of the financial risk, and because we SUCK at maintenance. We don't keep up with our own house in terms of what needs to be done. We don't have time. I can't imagine owning another property, having to rent it out and take care of it. Yes, it was a great investment, but not for us.
This article really resonated with me.


Friday, April 20, 2012

Letting go

Weird thought popped into my head today, geek moment. The caring man who did so much for me and the children is gone. Not a single phone call or email this week. Thought of the scene in Star Wars where Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Luke that Darth Vader betrayed and murdered his father. The man I loved is dead. There is a person walking around in his body, but I need to accept that the person I married is gone forever.
I celebrated my fifteenth wedding anniversary by making an appointment with a lawyer. There's been talk of mediation, but I want legal counsel in my back pocket. Not sure what will happen but the kids and I need protection from this evil stranger.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Making Lemonade

I'm trying to put together a list of the good things to come out of this. Here's some of the lemonade from lemons.
1) No more expecting someone else to do dishes/laundry/grocery shopping and being disappointed.
2) No more episodes of sudden rage triggered by little tiny unexpected things.
3) Better control over the family diet, fewer trips out for burgers, fries, and unhealthy crap.
The man I loved is lost to me, and a stranger has taken his place. I mourn the death of my husband and must exist with the reality of a person in his body, with his name, but not him.

Monday, April 16, 2012


So angry now at the mess left behind, at the new life he's putting together without me. Kids had their first weekend in the new house and he was not even there the first night to tuck them in, had my MIL there to do it all instead. They spent the weekend shopping, watching TV on "daddy's big new 3D tv with surround sound" and drinking soda, eating ice cream and "giant pastries." Didn't go outside much. Played video games. This man complained about not having enough money saved for retirement but obviously feels entitled to his toys. Still hasn't gotten all his crap out of here yet. Wants to remain civil, can't understand why I'm angry. You dumped me. You're dicking around with our kids setting a TERRIBLE example. That's why I'm angry.