Not me, is it?

The excuse I got two therapy sessions ago for "why" is that I have been depressed and negative throughout our marriage.
I have a family history of depression. I have the blues. I get grouchy and critical. I am very self-critical because I tend to hold myself to high standards. I have times when my self esteem sinks. Being a stay at home mom is not good for self esteem, and is a great job to beat yourself up over. But am I depressed, clinically depressed, to the point of needing medication? I don't think so.
A friend said it was unlikely I was depressed as I was one of the most productive people she knew, and productive people are not depressed.
There are a lot of things that make me happy. Small things, mostly. Disney World a couple of years ago was fun, but expensive, loud, and I felt like I should be having the best time of my life. I probably would have preferred a smaller trip, buying a weeping cherry for the back yard, and keeping some money in the bank.
I can be negative about things. He wanted to buy some rental property. I was negative about it because of the financial risk, and because we SUCK at maintenance. We don't keep up with our own house in terms of what needs to be done. We don't have time. I can't imagine owning another property, having to rent it out and take care of it. Yes, it was a great investment, but not for us.
This article really resonated with me.


http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Find-Lasting-Happiness-Finding-Joy-That-Lasts

Letting go

Weird thought popped into my head today, geek moment. The caring man who did so much for me and the children is gone. Not a single phone call or email this week. Thought of the scene in Star Wars where Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Luke that Darth Vader betrayed and murdered his father. The man I loved is dead. There is a person walking around in his body, but I need to accept that the person I married is gone forever.
I celebrated my fifteenth wedding anniversary by making an appointment with a lawyer. There's been talk of mediation, but I want legal counsel in my back pocket. Not sure what will happen but the kids and I need protection from this evil stranger.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-K11j6iwMU

Brave face, cold heart

Started job applications this week. Hoping to get a job at the big U which would give a nice tuition waiver to everyone in the family. Unfortunately I currently have zero current qualifications for doing much more than babysitting or nannying -- and even then would need to update my CPR certificate.

And purging old papers which makes me feel a little cleaner and more in control.

Bills are all paid, house is mostly clean. I'm taking care of what I can take care of.

Reading self help books and crying, and trying not to cry in front of the kids.

Oh my.

Go To Hell

Horrible therapy session today. He so clearly has daddy issues, but doesn't want to see that. He thinks he can find an affordable apartment for three kids and pay for a nanny in the capitol area. He's estranged from his dad. He thinks that separating will give him masses of free time to finish his book, hang out with his friends, be a more involved father, and fly to Arizona on short notice. He talked about doing stuff with the kids on the weekend. This is the same man who held down the sofa with his A$$ all last weekend. Playing his Civilization game on the computer while the kids play on the Wii in the same room is quality time. And he feels betrayed by me. I'm not the one talking about having an affair. He thinks our youngest has "issues." Well, he's a normal 7 year old and our older two were mature at that age. 7 year olds don't like to sit still, and they have problems with impulse control. No frickin' clue.