One Year Ago This Weekend

One year ago I returned from a girl's weekend getaway, several hours earlier than expected.

Mr. Gone said, "Oh, you're back early" without looking at me and went back to his computer game while the kids played video games.

He ignored me the rest of the afternoon.

After the kids were in bed I pressed him to tell me what was wrong. He didn't want to, but finally said, "I like and respect you but I haven't been in love with you for a long time." My life fell apart.

Looking back, I think there was someone else. Several someone elses. There was one affair I suspected around the time #2 was born. Why else would a married man with two small kids go and spend precious weekend time with another woman? And I think he had a fling during his high school reunion. The weirdness and wrong feeling really started then. I think it was guilt.

How much responsibility do I have?

I could have pushed for counseling sooner.

I went through my own perimenopausal crisis, and a couple of SAHM years that sucked. Multiple small kids, grinding monotony, and continuous uncertainty about whether daddy was coming home that night or being shipped off on a two week overseas business trip. I was not happy. But I had come through that to the other side. Made peace with my partner's faults. He was never going to see the dirty dishes in the sink, or underwear and kleenex on the floor. But that was OK, because I loved him for his good and bad parts together.

I let him get away with putting me and the family very last behind his job. I resented his work. The late nights, the missed holidays, the phone calls during dinner where he would turn from daddy to a-hole in front of my eyes. The work paid for the dinner, and the roof over our heads. A choice I made, and that I let him make.

I dismissed his ideas. Rent out the house and live overseas for a year? No. The packing and prep would all fall to me, and I don't really want to live in the middle east.
Buy an investment property and become landlords? No. We SUCK at maintenance. We had no spare time. At least, HE had no spare time and it would have fallen to me, like so many other projects.
Move closer to his office? I found a couple of houses. He didn't like them. I told him to look. He found houses we couldn't afford. No, really, a mortgage that's 50 % of your gross income is a bad move. Really. Really. And then he told me I didn't understand money and real estate was a smart investment.

Mostly, I let him get away with being absent. Emotionally. Physically. When I tried to bring him back, I always backed off so he wouldn't accuse me of being clingy. I worked on myself but didn't urge him enough to work on himself.

But in the end, can we change other people? No. Only ourselves.

So that's how I got to where I was a year ago. Self justifying, maybe. The universal reaction, though, has been, "He's going through a midlife crisis." From my friends. Our mutual friends. Acquaintances. Neighbors.

Next time, the past year in review.

Hardball with Lawyers?

Visited a cutthroat divorce lawyer who doesn't give free consults.

She recommended mediation with counsel. Wants to help me screw him in every possible way.

DO I really want to go after him? Do I want to go after him before he goes after me? Do I want to make nice? Do I want to hurt him as badly as he's hurt me? Or do I want to take the high road?

I generally aspire to be a high road kind of a person, just have so much anger right now.

Not me, is it?

The excuse I got two therapy sessions ago for "why" is that I have been depressed and negative throughout our marriage.
I have a family history of depression. I have the blues. I get grouchy and critical. I am very self-critical because I tend to hold myself to high standards. I have times when my self esteem sinks. Being a stay at home mom is not good for self esteem, and is a great job to beat yourself up over. But am I depressed, clinically depressed, to the point of needing medication? I don't think so.
A friend said it was unlikely I was depressed as I was one of the most productive people she knew, and productive people are not depressed.
There are a lot of things that make me happy. Small things, mostly. Disney World a couple of years ago was fun, but expensive, loud, and I felt like I should be having the best time of my life. I probably would have preferred a smaller trip, buying a weeping cherry for the back yard, and keeping some money in the bank.
I can be negative about things. He wanted to buy some rental property. I was negative about it because of the financial risk, and because we SUCK at maintenance. We don't keep up with our own house in terms of what needs to be done. We don't have time. I can't imagine owning another property, having to rent it out and take care of it. Yes, it was a great investment, but not for us.
This article really resonated with me.


http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Find-Lasting-Happiness-Finding-Joy-That-Lasts

Letting go

Weird thought popped into my head today, geek moment. The caring man who did so much for me and the children is gone. Not a single phone call or email this week. Thought of the scene in Star Wars where Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Luke that Darth Vader betrayed and murdered his father. The man I loved is dead. There is a person walking around in his body, but I need to accept that the person I married is gone forever.
I celebrated my fifteenth wedding anniversary by making an appointment with a lawyer. There's been talk of mediation, but I want legal counsel in my back pocket. Not sure what will happen but the kids and I need protection from this evil stranger.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-K11j6iwMU

Go To Hell

Horrible therapy session today. He so clearly has daddy issues, but doesn't want to see that. He thinks he can find an affordable apartment for three kids and pay for a nanny in the capitol area. He's estranged from his dad. He thinks that separating will give him masses of free time to finish his book, hang out with his friends, be a more involved father, and fly to Arizona on short notice. He talked about doing stuff with the kids on the weekend. This is the same man who held down the sofa with his A$$ all last weekend. Playing his Civilization game on the computer while the kids play on the Wii in the same room is quality time. And he feels betrayed by me. I'm not the one talking about having an affair. He thinks our youngest has "issues." Well, he's a normal 7 year old and our older two were mature at that age. 7 year olds don't like to sit still, and they have problems with impulse control. No frickin' clue.

Unhappy Husband

So he says he's been unhappy for a long time. He says that when he expressed unhappiness, I worked to change things and then they went back to the way they were.

WHY IS IT SOLELY MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CHANGE?

I've changed in so many ways in the past 15 years.

• Careerwise through three jobs then switching to full time SAHM with multiple side jobs and volunteer work.


• Physically through three pregnancies and menopause. I can see myself aging, see things slacken and wrinkle, and now have to fight tooth and nail to avoid gaining more weight.


• Emotionally through the honeymoon period, day to day life, a period around the birth of #3 where I felt absolutely drained and deserted, to today where I feel like I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness whether or not he has to work late.

He's the primary breadwinner and I've allowed him accomodation for the responsibilities of work. I'm the primary caretaker and feel dismissed. The man has not scrubbed a toilet since 1995. Scrubbed toilets are necessary!

He tells me to go out, get involved, make adult friends. I go to the gym, play music, socialize, and have more friends than he does. I dropped out of choir because I was sick of the griping about having to come home "early" from work, as in being home by 7:20 PM.

He needs to take some responsibility for his own happiness in a way that's not destructive to the family, not make unilateral decisions to screw us all over.