Winter Break

I survived finals. December has been a very long month, and my last final wasn't finished until about 7 PM on the 20th.

We successfully got and decorated a tree (a bit crooked) and I had at least two gifts for each child, plus a couple of stocking stuffers. They were slightly disappointed to not have piles of loot, but hid it reasonably well. Each child got one gift they really wanted (Minecraft foam sword, anyone?). Anyway, it was a nice, peaceful day.

I'm enjoying not having to study, cram everything in, rush rush rush, and most of all having the chance to take it easy in the morning rather than get everyone off to school.

Financial agreement one step closer to being done. Not fair to me, but not sure I want to pay a lawyer to make it fair and create ill will. Mr. Gone still doesn't understand why I went back to school instead of just returning to work (woo hoo, 60 hour work week, tiny benefits, every weekend, yeah, right) but not his business. He's doing the song and dance about his company folding, too. As long as he keeps paying me something.

Breathing deep, trying to stay focused on me and the kids. Chasing after #2 to get homework done; major projects that he's lost the directions for and is stalling on. SO tired of having to be bad cop.

Sometimes single parenting just sucks. Wish I could spend the weekends seeing movies with the kids, playing video games, sitting on my behind. But I have to be the grownup here.

End of Summer

Had a quick trip with kiddos to see my family, who were wonderful and supportive, but no internet!

Now home and getting ready for school. Last few days have been a whirlwind of trying on uniforms, counting out composition books, a crazy trip to Target to get all the last odds and ends, and all the details that need to be dealt with to send three kids back to school.

Somewhere in there I also had my grad school orientation. Tiny tiny program, I hung out with the professors and staff for half of lunch now that I'm old and more self confident, and then went to get a parking pass and ID with one of my future classmates. Books ordered, email account set up, logged into blackboard, behind on homework already!, and wondering what the bleep I'm doing.

The visit to campus made me feel both young and insecure, and old and jaded. I've done this before, many times, done it well. It's been twenty years though and my b.s. tolerance is not what it was when I was a young adult. And so much is online now. We apparently will listen to pre-recorded lectures for one class, and then have discussion during class. Hmm. And I'm paying how much a year for this? We'll see how it works.

Old dog. New tricks. Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines; it's going to be a bumpy ride from here to Christmas.

Having Fun as a Single Parent

Took the older two to an outdoor concert with fireworks last night, since I didn't have them for 4th of July and they haven't seen fireworks this summer at all. In some ways it's easier to not have to negotiate around someone else's schedule. I don't have to find a weekend that he's here, or a weekend that he's not working, or worry if I buy tickets and make plans that he'll suddenly be called away. And when I'd organize a family outing, I would always feel like I was being judged. I hadn't organized enough, or the concert/movie/restaurant wasn't that good, and somehow it was my fault for picking it out. Single parenting makes it a little easier. Only one schedule to deal with -- my own. And when the kids whine about an outing, I can tell them to suck it up. At this point money is tight enough that there are fewer outings and they're more grateful.

The man who left me really checked out mentally on family life a long time ago. He showed up occasionally as the cardboard cutout of Dad to stick in the back of the pictures. 

My oldest son was thrilled with the concert (movie music, including Harry Potter and Star Wars). He said it was like 4th of July only with music he LIKED. Middle son had a major bloody wipeout running around in the dark and slipping, and didn't have a meltdown. I introduced them to BLTs, which were an instant hit. They didn't whine when I told them no ice cream.  And they both said thanks for taking us to the concert, hugged me and told me I was a great mom. Not bad for edgy tweens.

I have great kids.

Fresh Start Fridge

Still in the process of recovering from the derecho. An unexpected disaster of a storm, a week without power, several hundred dollars worth of freezer and fridge contents tossed, and a mini symbolic chronicle of last fall.
I couldn't save the spoiled food. I made the best of it with an all-the-kids-could-eat cookout with multiple hot dogs, and all the other yummy food that I usually dole out in small quantities.  Most of it I had to let go, though. I miss the supplies that I had and it will take months to rebuild and refill. But things are clean, deodorized, organized. And I've learned, no, we will not eat the edamame in pods at home even though we get them as takeout. The last of his bbq sauce went down the drain. And I bought a different brand of catsup from his favorite.
Symbol of yet another way to make a fresh start.

Another Blessings Day

A little empty today without kids, but kid-free has allowed me to
1) Go aggressive yard saling including a giant secondhand sale at our local hospital. Found b-day gifts for S2, swim trunks for S1 and S2, girly pink and green coffee mugs for me, gorgeous blue glass vase and a huge bag of clothes that will jazz up my summer wardrobe.
2) Sit in quiet.
3) Catch up on me time
4) Garden without having to nag or entertain s1, 2 or 3.

I've run into two friends in the past few days who have told me I look great, and didn't know about being dumped. Having a little time to take care of myself is showing, I guess. Still tears at times but I'm moving on with my life.

Saw a lawyer yesterday, but that's another post.

Being Grateful

Had a bad night with anger insomnia. Why me? How could he do this to all of us? Going to try to stay positive and focused on the future for today. I have

1) three really fabulous kids
2) a nice place to live that I can find ways to afford
3) a huge network of friends and supporters who find H's behavior reprehensible
4) memories of many years of happy marriage
5) food in the pantry
6) multiple skills - writing, gardening, cooking, critical analysis, music . . .
7) enough talent to get me into one of the most competitive grad schools in the US, and sense enough to know that I can't mortgage my future to pay for it, and confirmed admission to my fallback cheap school
8) comfortable clothes, sewing skills and five boxes of fabric
9) reasonably good health
10) A spiritual practice that will help me to let my anger go and eventually replace it with detached compassion

OK, ten blessings. For today, exercise, financial aid stuff, call fix-it guy about needed home repairs, more job apps, counseling appointment.