Pity Party

Feeling wiped.
Drained.
Kaput.

Not enough money, not enough time.
Too much to do, too many demands.

What can I let go?
Parenting, nope
School, could ease back on my schedule next semester but need the degree ASAP
Work? Writing online now as my other work hours were cut wayyyyy back. But we need money for food, clothing, shelter. And winter is coming and we have oil heat.

Have the urge to sleep for months.
To walk away from it all.
I know it's temporary and we'll get through but on a rainy day like this a cup of tea, novel and a nap have a lot more appeal than anything else I can think of.

I plan to take a day off for Thanksgiving and just veg with the kids. Eat breakfast in our jammies. Do some messy craft projects. Play board games. Watch a family movie. Mr. Gone decided he really DIDN'T want the kids for Thanksgiving. I suspect there's a girlfriend he has plans with. But, ya know, if you're still legally married, it's adultery. If you mentally checked out years ago, maybe it's not mental adultery. That's irking me too.

Move on.
Move on.
Move on.

Take care of myself. Take care of my kids. Snuggle with my pets.

Oh, and do the work that must be done so other people can snuggle with their kids and pets.

End of Summer

Had a quick trip with kiddos to see my family, who were wonderful and supportive, but no internet!

Now home and getting ready for school. Last few days have been a whirlwind of trying on uniforms, counting out composition books, a crazy trip to Target to get all the last odds and ends, and all the details that need to be dealt with to send three kids back to school.

Somewhere in there I also had my grad school orientation. Tiny tiny program, I hung out with the professors and staff for half of lunch now that I'm old and more self confident, and then went to get a parking pass and ID with one of my future classmates. Books ordered, email account set up, logged into blackboard, behind on homework already!, and wondering what the bleep I'm doing.

The visit to campus made me feel both young and insecure, and old and jaded. I've done this before, many times, done it well. It's been twenty years though and my b.s. tolerance is not what it was when I was a young adult. And so much is online now. We apparently will listen to pre-recorded lectures for one class, and then have discussion during class. Hmm. And I'm paying how much a year for this? We'll see how it works.

Old dog. New tricks. Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines; it's going to be a bumpy ride from here to Christmas.

Deferred Home Maintenance

Deferred maintenance. It was always, until we have the money. Until we have a chance to discuss it. Until we have a chance to prioritize. Don't make any decisions on your own.

Now I'm dealing on my own with ten years of built up problems. It's easier not having to discuss in depth with another adult. It's harder to manage on my own, though, calling contractors, making appointments, comparing estimates, with everything else on my plate.

I'm living in a broken home.

Also not impressed with the whole contractor business. Lots of recommendations from friends in the area, but so many of these guys are not showing up for appointments, or showing up late, or not returning phone calls. Guess they don't want my business, but it's still irritating.

Deep breath. Fix leaky roof. Get toppling trees trimmed. Then on to less urgent things.

One day at a time.

Money troubles

Started to discuss money with the mediator today.

On his budget he revealed that he has 18K in credit card debt. When he moved out six weeks ago he had no debt, and 10K from our joint bank account to "buy what he needed."

Guess he needed a lot.

And he's not worried; the "cash flow problems are temporary" because I'm expected to get a job soon.

Disneyland dad is going to have to stop going to first run movies and eating out so much.

Cleaning House

Spent some time in the Scary Basement today. There are still boxes of his stuff, water-damaged and rodent-nibbled. I've started moving them all to a corner and piling them up, and will eventually give him an ultimatum to move it or lose it. Very sad that he has all these "precious things" that he threw down there when we bought the house and hasn't looked at in over a dozen years. I'm enjoying opening up the space down there, getting rid of the dust and a few mummified rodent corpses. Gross and disgusting but I'm getting rid of all that bad karma. Plus all the mildewy boxes for every electronic we've ever bought. Seriously, the Wii is now over two years old, out of warranty and we are not going to need that box again. And if we do, too bad. I'd rather have the open space; it's really therapeutic.

Hardball with Lawyers?

Visited a cutthroat divorce lawyer who doesn't give free consults.

She recommended mediation with counsel. Wants to help me screw him in every possible way.

DO I really want to go after him? Do I want to go after him before he goes after me? Do I want to make nice? Do I want to hurt him as badly as he's hurt me? Or do I want to take the high road?

I generally aspire to be a high road kind of a person, just have so much anger right now.

Stability

Slowly getting used to this new normal. Part time working, aggressive home maintenance/improvement and decluttering in prep for roommate or sale, and having to be vigilantly organized. Definitely on a short fuse and not getting enough sleep. I know I have to take care of myself but there are just not enough hours in the day for sleep, housecleaning, chasing after kids, and all that needs to be done. I'm letting go of a lot; the bathroom does not have to be spotless and the meals do not have to be gourmet. I will not just survive, I will thrive and make things good for myself and my kids.

Unhappy Husband

So he says he's been unhappy for a long time. He says that when he expressed unhappiness, I worked to change things and then they went back to the way they were.

WHY IS IT SOLELY MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CHANGE?

I've changed in so many ways in the past 15 years.

• Careerwise through three jobs then switching to full time SAHM with multiple side jobs and volunteer work.


• Physically through three pregnancies and menopause. I can see myself aging, see things slacken and wrinkle, and now have to fight tooth and nail to avoid gaining more weight.


• Emotionally through the honeymoon period, day to day life, a period around the birth of #3 where I felt absolutely drained and deserted, to today where I feel like I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness whether or not he has to work late.

He's the primary breadwinner and I've allowed him accomodation for the responsibilities of work. I'm the primary caretaker and feel dismissed. The man has not scrubbed a toilet since 1995. Scrubbed toilets are necessary!

He tells me to go out, get involved, make adult friends. I go to the gym, play music, socialize, and have more friends than he does. I dropped out of choir because I was sick of the griping about having to come home "early" from work, as in being home by 7:20 PM.

He needs to take some responsibility for his own happiness in a way that's not destructive to the family, not make unilateral decisions to screw us all over.