Jumping through Financial Aid Hoops

Just finished my online financial aid counseling. I remember my first counseling session, when we all came to this large room somewhere on the University campus and got a long, boring lecture. This time round at least I was in my home with a kitty to pet and a glass of wine to sip.

Found the sections on budgeting/living expenses hilarious! Yes, maybe if I was 20 I'd need to cut down on my cell phone expenses and eating out. At this point in my life though there's not a lot I don't know about living on a shoestring.

I am having brief second thoughts about going back to career #1. It would probably cost me about 6 months tuition to get enough Continuing Ed hours to get recertified. Then I'd have to find a job in the not-really-growth field. This job would have mediocre benefits and mean I'd be working most weekends.

New field means: university job with tuition benefits or fed/state/city job with other benefits. 9-5 Monday-Friday workweek. Growth field. Something I'm interested in and passionate about as opposed to burned out on. Is it worth 40K to do this? Yes, the benefits alone are worth 40K.

Deep breath. Borrowing a big chunk of money always makes me nervous.

Now, the question is, can I repay it before Thing 1 heads off to college? Probably not. He'll need to go to a need blind school, get a scholarship, but he has options. Maybe MIL will come through. I wouldn't count on that.

But given the alternatives, this seems like the best path.

Fresh Start Fridge

Still in the process of recovering from the derecho. An unexpected disaster of a storm, a week without power, several hundred dollars worth of freezer and fridge contents tossed, and a mini symbolic chronicle of last fall.
I couldn't save the spoiled food. I made the best of it with an all-the-kids-could-eat cookout with multiple hot dogs, and all the other yummy food that I usually dole out in small quantities.  Most of it I had to let go, though. I miss the supplies that I had and it will take months to rebuild and refill. But things are clean, deodorized, organized. And I've learned, no, we will not eat the edamame in pods at home even though we get them as takeout. The last of his bbq sauce went down the drain. And I bought a different brand of catsup from his favorite.
Symbol of yet another way to make a fresh start.

Money troubles

Started to discuss money with the mediator today.

On his budget he revealed that he has 18K in credit card debt. When he moved out six weeks ago he had no debt, and 10K from our joint bank account to "buy what he needed."

Guess he needed a lot.

And he's not worried; the "cash flow problems are temporary" because I'm expected to get a job soon.

Disneyland dad is going to have to stop going to first run movies and eating out so much.

Living well?

H looks like crap. He spent the afternoon at #2's concert playing with his phone. I could see from where I was sitting. Didn't watch the concert, as far as I could tell; didn't wait around to congratulate, but called later to tell him good job. Yeah, that makes him father of the year. How much he misses by being so absorbed in his electronics. Love the dark circles under the eyes. And he tells me how hard it is, and that I should feel bad for him. Well, he created the situation.
Balanced the checkbook; not getting as much money as promised, which is the bare minimum we need to live on.
H and #1 picked out summer camp. $900 a week.
Not sure who is going to be paying for that one. I suppose he could go if we just give up eating for the summer.

Money, Trust, and Love

If I really loved and trusted him, I would have let him make all the financial decisions. That was an end-of-days accusation. Because he knew so much more about it than I did, and I had no right to question him.
This man put his student loans on credit cards. He consistently paid bills late, once so late that we lost utilities. He said he didn't have time to get to it. I ended up being the one responsible for making sure that bills were actually paid.
Yes, he understands options, trading, and the more esoteric higher yield stuff. But you need to put in time and effort to make that work. Looking for a balance of APR and effort, I tend to pick the highest APR with minimal continued effort required on my part. And I try to save money around the house by not eating out a lot, keeping the thermostat low, not doing recreational impulse buys . . . all wrong, wrong, wrong. I talked about renting out a room in our house for extra income, NO! We were supposed to have been bold with our money and invest aggressively. And I should just TRUST HIM.
He's so worried about retiring broke. What does he think dividing households is going to do to him financially?

So Far Away

Started the split up discussions.

My body clock is totally shot. I'm falling asleep at 7 pm on the sofa and waking up at 3 AM.

So worried about money. This is going to take us from comfortably middle class towards the poverty line. This house is too big for me to take care of by myself, and needs so many repairs we now will not be able to afford. Not sure if going back to school is possible.
I'm losing not just financial support but the support of an adult who cares for me, who "has my back." I'm feeling so alone.

I'm grateful that I have a brain.

I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head.

I had food to eat today, and food in the pantry for at least a week.

I've been poor and frugal in the past, I can do it again. I feel whiny about losing my middle class privileges. Poor baby, she has to cancel her gym membership and netflix.

But I don't feel like I live that large. The luxuries I spend on really make life fun and worthwhile for me, and the kids. I don't own any Prada purses. I get to the spa maybe once a year. I wear LL Bean, and Coldwater Creek when it's on sale. The kids don't do that many activities; they just like pricey activities like pottery and gymnastics.

Thinking about options: renting out rooms, part time jobs (retail, music teacher, barista . . .) the head is whirling around. Not enough hours in the day to watch the kids, take care of the house, work AND go back to school.

This too shall pass. I don't know that I deserved it; I tried to be a good and loving partner and mom.