Deferred Home Maintenance

Deferred maintenance. It was always, until we have the money. Until we have a chance to discuss it. Until we have a chance to prioritize. Don't make any decisions on your own.

Now I'm dealing on my own with ten years of built up problems. It's easier not having to discuss in depth with another adult. It's harder to manage on my own, though, calling contractors, making appointments, comparing estimates, with everything else on my plate.

I'm living in a broken home.

Also not impressed with the whole contractor business. Lots of recommendations from friends in the area, but so many of these guys are not showing up for appointments, or showing up late, or not returning phone calls. Guess they don't want my business, but it's still irritating.

Deep breath. Fix leaky roof. Get toppling trees trimmed. Then on to less urgent things.

One day at a time.

Rubbing in my Face

Mr. Gone was in California "visiting his mom" this past week and "vacationing with the kids." So MIL took all the kids to stay with their cousins, a four hour drive away, for the bulk of the week. Mr. Gone had maybe two meals with his mom and the kids, and was on his own in his mom's house the rest of the week.

He posted a series of pictures on Facebook that are reminiscent of the Charlie Sheen partying with women hanging off of him paparazzi pictures that were making the rounds during the worst of his craziness. The kicker is that these were all high school classmates of his. He started to get weird right after he went to his high school reunion a year ago last April.

Do the dots connect?

I'm very sad that he blew up his family for this. Whether it's unresolved aging issues, unresolved adolescent issues, unresolved daddy issues, I really thought that I married a better man than that. He needs help. He's told me repeatedly that counseling is a crock.

I've spent the past couple of days very angry at him, and at the situation. I'm trying to move forward and focus on myself, and started to drag some of the attic office furniture down to clear the space so I can find a tenant and stay in the black. I've also set up appointments with a number of contractors for roof repair and all the other things this house needs done that Mr. Gone was "going to get around to."

Just deep breathing in the face of extreme stupidity.

Money troubles

Started to discuss money with the mediator today.

On his budget he revealed that he has 18K in credit card debt. When he moved out six weeks ago he had no debt, and 10K from our joint bank account to "buy what he needed."

Guess he needed a lot.

And he's not worried; the "cash flow problems are temporary" because I'm expected to get a job soon.

Disneyland dad is going to have to stop going to first run movies and eating out so much.

Living well?

H looks like crap. He spent the afternoon at #2's concert playing with his phone. I could see from where I was sitting. Didn't watch the concert, as far as I could tell; didn't wait around to congratulate, but called later to tell him good job. Yeah, that makes him father of the year. How much he misses by being so absorbed in his electronics. Love the dark circles under the eyes. And he tells me how hard it is, and that I should feel bad for him. Well, he created the situation.
Balanced the checkbook; not getting as much money as promised, which is the bare minimum we need to live on.
H and #1 picked out summer camp. $900 a week.
Not sure who is going to be paying for that one. I suppose he could go if we just give up eating for the summer.

Money, Trust, and Love

If I really loved and trusted him, I would have let him make all the financial decisions. That was an end-of-days accusation. Because he knew so much more about it than I did, and I had no right to question him.
This man put his student loans on credit cards. He consistently paid bills late, once so late that we lost utilities. He said he didn't have time to get to it. I ended up being the one responsible for making sure that bills were actually paid.
Yes, he understands options, trading, and the more esoteric higher yield stuff. But you need to put in time and effort to make that work. Looking for a balance of APR and effort, I tend to pick the highest APR with minimal continued effort required on my part. And I try to save money around the house by not eating out a lot, keeping the thermostat low, not doing recreational impulse buys . . . all wrong, wrong, wrong. I talked about renting out a room in our house for extra income, NO! We were supposed to have been bold with our money and invest aggressively. And I should just TRUST HIM.
He's so worried about retiring broke. What does he think dividing households is going to do to him financially?

Letting go

Weird thought popped into my head today, geek moment. The caring man who did so much for me and the children is gone. Not a single phone call or email this week. Thought of the scene in Star Wars where Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Luke that Darth Vader betrayed and murdered his father. The man I loved is dead. There is a person walking around in his body, but I need to accept that the person I married is gone forever.
I celebrated my fifteenth wedding anniversary by making an appointment with a lawyer. There's been talk of mediation, but I want legal counsel in my back pocket. Not sure what will happen but the kids and I need protection from this evil stranger.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-K11j6iwMU

Rage

So angry now at the mess left behind, at the new life he's putting together without me. Kids had their first weekend in the new house and he was not even there the first night to tuck them in, had my MIL there to do it all instead. They spent the weekend shopping, watching TV on "daddy's big new 3D tv with surround sound" and drinking soda, eating ice cream and "giant pastries." Didn't go outside much. Played video games. This man complained about not having enough money saved for retirement but obviously feels entitled to his toys. Still hasn't gotten all his crap out of here yet. Wants to remain civil, can't understand why I'm angry. You dumped me. You're dicking around with our kids setting a TERRIBLE example. That's why I'm angry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UEWbTxmG9o

Fake Happy Face

Weekends are the hardest. He and the kids are around, and I have to maintain the facade that we're a happy family. I keep crying, and the kids keep asking, "Mommy, why are you crying." And I have to make up some bullshit reason that I'm sure they can see through.

Job hunting. Already rejected from one job I applied to, which adds to the rejection I'm already feeling on a personal level. And I lashed out at him, saying that with the immense gap in my resume the only thing I'm qualified for is changing diapers and cleaning up vomit at nine dollars an hour. He responded that it's perfectly respectable work, and that no job is beneath me. He also says once they see how qualified I am I'll rapidly advance.

But he doesn't get it. I'm fine with the most menial job, but it makes NO SENSE to work my butt off for close to minimum wage and at the same time hire child care that I will be paying, after taxes, twice what I'm bringing in, to spend time with MY children acting as their interim mother. The other thing is that he lives in MBA-land. I live in menial-land where you can advance to assistant manager, or manager, not vice-president or president.

It doesn't make financial sense.

It doesn't make personal sense.

By working I am giving up my most valuable thing, time with my children while they are still young. I don't want to PAY someone else at the same time for the privilege of working.

I'll keep looking. There's a businessman on Craig's List who needs a personal asssistant, two three-hour shifts per week, paying $500 per week. By the way, send a picture. Perfect for young college student, no experience required. Oh, yeah.