Rubbing in my Face

Mr. Gone was in California "visiting his mom" this past week and "vacationing with the kids." So MIL took all the kids to stay with their cousins, a four hour drive away, for the bulk of the week. Mr. Gone had maybe two meals with his mom and the kids, and was on his own in his mom's house the rest of the week.

He posted a series of pictures on Facebook that are reminiscent of the Charlie Sheen partying with women hanging off of him paparazzi pictures that were making the rounds during the worst of his craziness. The kicker is that these were all high school classmates of his. He started to get weird right after he went to his high school reunion a year ago last April.

Do the dots connect?

I'm very sad that he blew up his family for this. Whether it's unresolved aging issues, unresolved adolescent issues, unresolved daddy issues, I really thought that I married a better man than that. He needs help. He's told me repeatedly that counseling is a crock.

I've spent the past couple of days very angry at him, and at the situation. I'm trying to move forward and focus on myself, and started to drag some of the attic office furniture down to clear the space so I can find a tenant and stay in the black. I've also set up appointments with a number of contractors for roof repair and all the other things this house needs done that Mr. Gone was "going to get around to."

Just deep breathing in the face of extreme stupidity.

Hardball with Lawyers?

Visited a cutthroat divorce lawyer who doesn't give free consults.

She recommended mediation with counsel. Wants to help me screw him in every possible way.

DO I really want to go after him? Do I want to go after him before he goes after me? Do I want to make nice? Do I want to hurt him as badly as he's hurt me? Or do I want to take the high road?

I generally aspire to be a high road kind of a person, just have so much anger right now.

Living well?

H looks like crap. He spent the afternoon at #2's concert playing with his phone. I could see from where I was sitting. Didn't watch the concert, as far as I could tell; didn't wait around to congratulate, but called later to tell him good job. Yeah, that makes him father of the year. How much he misses by being so absorbed in his electronics. Love the dark circles under the eyes. And he tells me how hard it is, and that I should feel bad for him. Well, he created the situation.
Balanced the checkbook; not getting as much money as promised, which is the bare minimum we need to live on.
H and #1 picked out summer camp. $900 a week.
Not sure who is going to be paying for that one. I suppose he could go if we just give up eating for the summer.

Rage

So angry now at the mess left behind, at the new life he's putting together without me. Kids had their first weekend in the new house and he was not even there the first night to tuck them in, had my MIL there to do it all instead. They spent the weekend shopping, watching TV on "daddy's big new 3D tv with surround sound" and drinking soda, eating ice cream and "giant pastries." Didn't go outside much. Played video games. This man complained about not having enough money saved for retirement but obviously feels entitled to his toys. Still hasn't gotten all his crap out of here yet. Wants to remain civil, can't understand why I'm angry. You dumped me. You're dicking around with our kids setting a TERRIBLE example. That's why I'm angry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UEWbTxmG9o

Fake Happy Face

Weekends are the hardest. He and the kids are around, and I have to maintain the facade that we're a happy family. I keep crying, and the kids keep asking, "Mommy, why are you crying." And I have to make up some bullshit reason that I'm sure they can see through.

Job hunting. Already rejected from one job I applied to, which adds to the rejection I'm already feeling on a personal level. And I lashed out at him, saying that with the immense gap in my resume the only thing I'm qualified for is changing diapers and cleaning up vomit at nine dollars an hour. He responded that it's perfectly respectable work, and that no job is beneath me. He also says once they see how qualified I am I'll rapidly advance.

But he doesn't get it. I'm fine with the most menial job, but it makes NO SENSE to work my butt off for close to minimum wage and at the same time hire child care that I will be paying, after taxes, twice what I'm bringing in, to spend time with MY children acting as their interim mother. The other thing is that he lives in MBA-land. I live in menial-land where you can advance to assistant manager, or manager, not vice-president or president.

It doesn't make financial sense.

It doesn't make personal sense.

By working I am giving up my most valuable thing, time with my children while they are still young. I don't want to PAY someone else at the same time for the privilege of working.

I'll keep looking. There's a businessman on Craig's List who needs a personal asssistant, two three-hour shifts per week, paying $500 per week. By the way, send a picture. Perfect for young college student, no experience required. Oh, yeah.