Resources for Midlife Crisis Spouses

I'm now just shy of ten months past bomb drop, and here's a quick summary of what's been helpful to me in this journey I didn't plan.

Best Forum:

http://midlifeclub.com/
very active discussion and support. The stories are all eerily the same.

Another good website:

http://www.runawayhusbands.com/index.html
Discussion board not so active, but more of these scary similar sudden “it’s not you, it’s me” “I love you but I’m not in love with  you” and goodbye, or just total vanishing overnight stories.

Best Breaking Up Book:

Daphne Rose Kingma, Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours 

Short, sweet and helpful in recognizing and directing your reactions and feelings

Best Scholarly “Why” Books:

Susan Anderson, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
Diane Vaughn, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships
Seriously, there is no WHY. It doesn’t make sense. But this analyzes the nonsense.

Background Reading on Men’s Brains and Hormones:
Jed Diamond, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from Irritable Male Syndrome

You can’t help a man who refuses to help himself, but you can avoid getting sucked in.

Putting Yourself Back Together

Brene Brown, I Thought it was Just Me and The Gifts of Imperfection
Lisa Bloom, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World

Least Helpful Book
Peter McWilliams, How to Survive the Loss of a Love
Just didn't work for me. The Hallmark-like poetry was a little irritating and the book just made me cry, and not in a cleansing way.

Having Fun as a Single Parent

Took the older two to an outdoor concert with fireworks last night, since I didn't have them for 4th of July and they haven't seen fireworks this summer at all. In some ways it's easier to not have to negotiate around someone else's schedule. I don't have to find a weekend that he's here, or a weekend that he's not working, or worry if I buy tickets and make plans that he'll suddenly be called away. And when I'd organize a family outing, I would always feel like I was being judged. I hadn't organized enough, or the concert/movie/restaurant wasn't that good, and somehow it was my fault for picking it out. Single parenting makes it a little easier. Only one schedule to deal with -- my own. And when the kids whine about an outing, I can tell them to suck it up. At this point money is tight enough that there are fewer outings and they're more grateful.

The man who left me really checked out mentally on family life a long time ago. He showed up occasionally as the cardboard cutout of Dad to stick in the back of the pictures. 

My oldest son was thrilled with the concert (movie music, including Harry Potter and Star Wars). He said it was like 4th of July only with music he LIKED. Middle son had a major bloody wipeout running around in the dark and slipping, and didn't have a meltdown. I introduced them to BLTs, which were an instant hit. They didn't whine when I told them no ice cream.  And they both said thanks for taking us to the concert, hugged me and told me I was a great mom. Not bad for edgy tweens.

I have great kids.

Fresh Start Fridge

Still in the process of recovering from the derecho. An unexpected disaster of a storm, a week without power, several hundred dollars worth of freezer and fridge contents tossed, and a mini symbolic chronicle of last fall.
I couldn't save the spoiled food. I made the best of it with an all-the-kids-could-eat cookout with multiple hot dogs, and all the other yummy food that I usually dole out in small quantities.  Most of it I had to let go, though. I miss the supplies that I had and it will take months to rebuild and refill. But things are clean, deodorized, organized. And I've learned, no, we will not eat the edamame in pods at home even though we get them as takeout. The last of his bbq sauce went down the drain. And I bought a different brand of catsup from his favorite.
Symbol of yet another way to make a fresh start.

Money troubles

Started to discuss money with the mediator today.

On his budget he revealed that he has 18K in credit card debt. When he moved out six weeks ago he had no debt, and 10K from our joint bank account to "buy what he needed."

Guess he needed a lot.

And he's not worried; the "cash flow problems are temporary" because I'm expected to get a job soon.

Disneyland dad is going to have to stop going to first run movies and eating out so much.

Cleaning House

Spent some time in the Scary Basement today. There are still boxes of his stuff, water-damaged and rodent-nibbled. I've started moving them all to a corner and piling them up, and will eventually give him an ultimatum to move it or lose it. Very sad that he has all these "precious things" that he threw down there when we bought the house and hasn't looked at in over a dozen years. I'm enjoying opening up the space down there, getting rid of the dust and a few mummified rodent corpses. Gross and disgusting but I'm getting rid of all that bad karma. Plus all the mildewy boxes for every electronic we've ever bought. Seriously, the Wii is now over two years old, out of warranty and we are not going to need that box again. And if we do, too bad. I'd rather have the open space; it's really therapeutic.

Hardball with Lawyers?

Visited a cutthroat divorce lawyer who doesn't give free consults.

She recommended mediation with counsel. Wants to help me screw him in every possible way.

DO I really want to go after him? Do I want to go after him before he goes after me? Do I want to make nice? Do I want to hurt him as badly as he's hurt me? Or do I want to take the high road?

I generally aspire to be a high road kind of a person, just have so much anger right now.

Another Blessings Day

A little empty today without kids, but kid-free has allowed me to
1) Go aggressive yard saling including a giant secondhand sale at our local hospital. Found b-day gifts for S2, swim trunks for S1 and S2, girly pink and green coffee mugs for me, gorgeous blue glass vase and a huge bag of clothes that will jazz up my summer wardrobe.
2) Sit in quiet.
3) Catch up on me time
4) Garden without having to nag or entertain s1, 2 or 3.

I've run into two friends in the past few days who have told me I look great, and didn't know about being dumped. Having a little time to take care of myself is showing, I guess. Still tears at times but I'm moving on with my life.

Saw a lawyer yesterday, but that's another post.